


Panic Room

by EternalAgape



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety as a character, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Don’t copy to another site, Happy Ending, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Odd metaphors for anxiety, One Shot, Panic Attacks, Sad and a little dark, Saint Petersburg Days, The anxiety verges on depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:27:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22204834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EternalAgape/pseuds/EternalAgape
Summary: It was the fourth day of training at the rink in Saint Petersburg and the fourth day that his anxiety had been rearing its ugly head.Or: Yuuri has to fight off a monster that even he can’t see.
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, Phichit Chulanont & Katsuki Yuuri
Comments: 10
Kudos: 122
Collections: Inspired by Music





	Panic Room

**Author's Note:**

> For full dramatic effect, I’m imagining the monster as being voiced by Jude Law as Pitch from Rise of the Guardians. Very charismatic, very convincing…but also threatening.  
> This is loosely inspired by the song Panic Room by Au/Ra (specifically, the acoustic version, which seems much better for Yuuri’s character I think).

He could feel it coming on: first his palms got sweaty, then he started to feel lightheaded, and then the tightening in his chest-

It was the fourth day of training at the rink in Saint Petersburg and the fourth day that his anxiety had been rearing its ugly head. This rarely happened back in Detroit, but in Detroit, he’d had Phichit.

He didn’t have Phichit here. He only had a nonfunctional phone, a fiancé who loved him but was pushing himself harder than ever to be ready for competition, and a rink full of training mates who hardly spoke English.

He had no Phichit, so he was stuck dealing with his monster on his own.

He knew he had to get off the ice. The ice wasn’t safe when the monster was this prominent, and he needed to be safe.

He put his skate guards on and waited for Viktor to notice him standing at the boards, but he was so engrossed in running his elements over and over until he achieved perfection that he didn’t even look up.

“Viktor,” Yuuri said quietly, his voice straining against the tears that were ready to spill over.

“I’ll be with you in a minute, Yuuri!” Viktor called from across the rink as he pulled out of a spin.

But Yuuri didn’t _have_ a minute. “Viktor, I’m going back to the apartment,” he said as strongly as he could, but his voice was quivering, and he only had seconds to get somewhere less...less…

“Okay, Yuuri! See you at home!” Viktor said, looking up for just a moment to wave, so briefly that he didn’t notice the sickly pale shade Yuuri’s face had taken.

Yuuri headed for the door, feeling like bolting but using all his strength to keep his feet going at a normal pace. _Almost there almost there-_

Then the cool air hit his face and he was walking back to the apartment. This would normally be when the symptoms would start to recede, when the sweating would stop and the lightheadedness would dissipate and the tightening would lessen.

But the tightening _wasn’t_ getting better; if anything, the monster’s claws were digging, holding tighter onto his lungs and his heart and his head.

The monster still had hold of him when he arrived back at the apartment. Outside the building, the monster had felt manageable: compared to the big world, it was just one little part. Inside the apartment, though, the monster made itself at home and let itself grow to stretch from wall to wall, squeezing all around Yuuri.

With the monster, the room was too warm; it felt like a sauna despite the air conditioning being on. He could feel the hair on his arms prickling through his training shirt, and he wanted nothing more than to simultaneously immerse himself in a freezing lake to get away from the monster’s heat and tuck himself into a cocoon of his softest blankets so he could feel safe.

But he couldn’t feel safe: he was in Russia, and his blankets were in Japan or somewhere in between, still in boxes waiting to be shipped to him or in a freight container in the middle of nowhere. All he had were Viktor’s things, and while they were so lovely and smelled like _Viktor_ , they weren’t his. They weren’t safe.

And when the monster was coming, Yuuri just wanted to be _safe_.

Makkachin whined from her place on the couch, lifting her head to look at Yuuri curiously as he walked past her. “Not even a pat?” her tilted head seemed to say, but Yuuri was too scared and too lost to notice.

Yuuri stood by the window, hoping futilely that seeing outside would make the room feel bigger and the monster feel smaller. The looming shadows, though, told him otherwise.

He couldn’t open the window – it was too cold out and due to start raining any minute, and he didn’t want to cause any more trouble for Viktor in his apartment. Instead, he was left staring at a glass pane that was keeping him locked in, mocking him, allowing him to suffocate.

Help. He needed help. In Detroit, Phichit was always there. Phichit _always_ knew, somehow, when Yuuri needed him.

He fumbled with his phone, uselessly clicking on Phichit’s icon and the call button over and over, but it would never connect. He was in Russia, and his phone couldn’t work. They hadn’t gotten a chance to go to the store to get a new SIM card yet.

He made a sound from the back of his throat, somewhere between a groan and a whine of distress. The room was quiet, so the noise felt like a scream. Quiet was usually good, but _too_ quiet was a problem. Quiet let his brain run itself out without any unnecessary stimulation, but _too_ quiet meant that he heard _everything_. He could hear people outside, he could hear the neighbors arguing downstairs, he could hear someone’s vacuum running-

He could hear the creaking of the windows as the wind blew, harder than the coastal breeze of Hasetsu. It was harsh and frightening: it wasn’t safe, and it just served to feed the monster more.

It all served to feed the monster, and the bigger the monster grew, the hungrier it got. The hungrier it got, the bigger it grew. He couldn’t win.

The wind blew even harder, rattling the windows in their frames as the storm that had been brewing the last two days picked up. It roiled outside, the clouds darkening the sky as the leaves turned over on their branches. The rain pattering against the window was soothing at first, but then it grew to be irritating and frightening, like fingertips tapping ceaselessly at the glass of a fishbowl.

And then the lightning, flashing across the dark sky and illuminating the dim apartment, burst through all the noise and fueled the monster more.

 _That’s right, Yuuri. You’re not safe here,_ the monster said.

No. _No._ The monster was getting stronger.

 _This is a nightmare, and it’s not one you can wake up from,_ the monster taunted.

 _No,_ Yuuri tried to argue. _No. This is okay. I should be safe here. Viktor…Viktor cares, right? So what’s the worst that can happen?_

But that’s not a question one should ever ask a monster.

The monster grew darker, more imposing, filling the whole apartment with its oppressive presence. Yuuri pressed his back to the cool wall, letting himself slide down until he was sitting in a ball, knees pulled tightly to his chest so he wasn’t taking up more space than he should.

That was part of the problem: Viktor had told Yuuri that it was fine, he could change anything he wanted about the apartment, he could put his things anywhere, it was fine, it was fine, it was _fine_ -

But Yuuri hardly had anything of his here to _put_ anywhere, and every place Yuuri looked, the apartment felt distinctly _Viktor’s_ , and he was terrified to disturb that.

Yuuri heard a _thud_ in the room, and the next thing he knew, there was something cold and wet touching his hand. Makkachin whined, butting her nose hard against Yuuri’s leg until he finally peeked over his knees.

“Makkachin, it’s fine. Go take a nap,” he said, trying to sound convincing and very much _fine._

Makkachin huffed out a breath, as if to say, “No, you dummy, I’m staying _right here_.”

Like the wonderful poodle she was, Makkachin laid down next to Yuuri’s legs, occasionally nudging him every time he shifted or made a sound. Yuuri wasn’t sure how long they sat there, the monster overtaking the apartment and testing its power while Yuuri tried to keep it from getting Makkachin. He couldn’t let it hurt Makkachin.

“Yuuri? I’m home!” Viktor’s voice echoed through the apartment.

 _Home_. _Viktor’s home, but I’m_ not _home_ , Yuuri thought sadly.

 _That’s right,_ the monster replied. _You’re not home. This will never be your home._

“Yuuri?” Viktor sounded worried, but Yuuri couldn’t answer. The monster had its claws around his throat, squeezing the air out and leaving Yuuri gasping for breath. “Yuuri?” Now, Viktor was panicked, and Yuuri felt even worse for being the cause of his worry.

_Viktor shouldn’t have to worry about me._

_That’s right,_ the monster agreed. _You’re just causing him additional stress by being here. Things were easier for him before you. You should leave._

“I should go back to Detroit,” Yuuri murmured despondently.

 _No,_ the monster said. _You can’t go back to Detroit – Phichit’s there, and you’d just be a burden._

“Yuuri?!” Viktor called, his frantic footsteps echoing on the hardwood floor. Makkachin perked up at the sound of his voice, but she refused to move. “Yuuri, where are you?”

 _See? You’re just upsetting him. You shouldn’t be here,_ the monster said.

Yuuri whimpered, curling tighter around himself. The monster was right, and it hurt to hear it. He didn’t want Viktor to find him; he didn’t want to burden him anymore.

But the noise had given him away, and Viktor came skidding into the living room. Makkachin was waiting, still nosing at Yuuri in the corner between the couch and the wall.

“Yuuri,” Viktor crooned, so softly and warmly that Yuuri felt distinctly unworthy of the sound. “Yuuri, what’s wrong?”

 _Tell him nothing’s wrong,_ the monster ordered. _Tell him you’re fine. You don’t need to cause him any more stress._

The monster was strong – it was very strong and very convincing, but those were not orders that Yuuri was used to. He wasn’t used to lying to Viktor, and he didn’t feel right starting now. Instead of words, a noise escaped his throat, seeping out around the tight grip of the monster’s claws, and Yuuri felt tears beginning to race down his cheeks.

Viktor slid to his knees, hands frantically and uselessly trying to find a way to soothe Yuuri. “Yuuri, I’m sorry…I’m sorry…what can I do? Did I hurt you? I don’t…Yuuri, _please_ , I don’t know what to do!”

Yuuri didn’t even know where to begin with an answer, and a sob was wrenched from his throat. There wasn’t anything Viktor _could_ do, and Yuuri needed to keep the monster from getting Viktor, too.

Viktor was quiet for a while – part of Yuuri had hoped he had just given up trying to help because _nobody_ could help him when the monster was invisible, even to him, but the other part of Yuuri was desperately trying not to suffocate, and he hoped that Viktor hadn’t given up on trying to give him air.

Then Viktor was talking, but it definitely wasn’t directed at Yuuri – and even if it was, the monster was talking too loudly for Yuuri to hear clearly.

 _Oh, Yuuri, look how sad you’ve made him. You’ve hurt Viktor,_ the monster said.

 _Oh no, what have I done?_ Yuuri thought, horrified.

 _You’ll just continue to hurt him. You should leave,_ the monster responded.

Yuuri had no time to answer the monster as a familiar voice cut through the darkness. “Yuuri? It’s Phichit. Viktor says that you need help.”

Yuuri cried, wondering at how even thousands of miles away, Phichit still was trying to help him.

 _You’re even a burden when you’re far away from him_ , the monster growled.

“How big is the monster, Yuuri?” Phichit’s voice came across the phone as if he could hear the monster’s words, too – but nobody except Yuuri could.

“Big,” Yuuri mumbled, his hands twisting in his dark hair. Viktor felt like those same hands were twisting around his heart with the helplessness he felt watching his beloved fiancé fighting something nobody could see. “It’s big.”

“Okay, we’re dealing with a big monster. Alright. What’s this monster trying to eat?” Phichit asked.

“Everything,” Yuuri rasped, the word getting choked in half by the monster.

 _You don’t want to be a burden_ , the monster reminded him. _You should just tell him you’re fine and deal with this yourself._

Thunder rumbled outside the building, so strong that it shook the wall Yuuri was leaning against. He whimpered and cowered further, pressing himself into the corner until he could feel his spine aligning with where the two walls met.

“Yuuri, we’re here for you, okay? But I can’t be _right there_ with you, so I’m going to need you to be really brave and let Viktor help you, too, alright? Can you be brave for me?”

Yuuri nodded, the monster not letting him do anything else.

Viktor was murmuring to Phichit, something that sounded worried, but Yuuri couldn’t focus enough to understand what he was saying. It had taken years for him to be able to focus on Phichit’s voice when the monster was around.

“Yuuri, I need you to take Viktor’s hands, okay?”

Yuuri’s hands were shaking, but he did his best to comply. He uncurled his hands from the fists they had been locked in, lifting them off his knees and blindly searching for Viktor.

Viktor met him halfway: his hands were steady, nothing like the clammy, sweaty, shaking mess that Yuuri was.

“Did he do that?” Yuuri could hear Phichit asking, and Viktor said something in reply. “Okay, good. Yuuri, can you feel Viktor’s hands?” Yuuri nodded again. “Yuuri, I want you to squeeze his hands, okay?”

Yuuri squeezed as hard as he could, but it still felt weak.

 _That’s because you are,_ the monster told him. _You’re weak, and you’ll never be good enough. You’ll never be worthy of Viktor, so you should stop trying. You should leave him._

Yuuri whimpered, squeezing Viktor’s strong hands even harder.

“That’s it, Yuuri. Keep yourself grounded,” Phichit soothed through the phone. “Now, Yuuri, I need to know what kind of monster we’re dealing with. What’s the monster telling you?”

“Not enough,” Yuuri choked out. “Not safe. Should leave. _Burden_.”

 _Yes, you are,_ the monster purred.

A strangled sound came from Viktor’s throat, and Yuuri suddenly felt arms wrapping around his tiny form. These arms didn’t have claws, though: these arms weren’t hurting him.

“Oh, Yuuri…” Phichit murmured. “What do I keep telling you?”

“Enough,” Yuuri mumbled.

“What does the note I put in your skate bag say?”

“More than enough,” Yuuri said.

“And would Viktor ever let anything happen to you?”

Viktor was tempted to answer that question for Yuuri, but he didn’t need to. Yuuri answered with a very emphatic, “No.”

“So if he wouldn’t let anything happen to you, then are you safe?”

 _You’re not safe,_ the monster tried to remind him, but the comforting arms around Yuuri’s shoulders disagreed.

“Yes,” Yuuri said.

“Have either of us ever lied to you?” Phichit asked Yuuri.

 _How do you know they’re just not telling you things?_ the monster tried to persuade him.

“No,” Yuuri answered, ignoring the monster.

“Then if we thought you were a burden, wouldn’t we have told you by now?”

_But Yuuri…_

Yuuri nodded.

“You are _not a burden_ , Yuuri. Okay?” Phichit told him.

_Yuuri!_

“’Kay,” Yuuri murmured.

“We love you. You’re safe with Viktor. He wouldn’t let anything happen to you. _You are not a burden._ Do you understand me, Yuuri Steven Katsuki?”

And then the darkness cracked: just like glass, the crack spread, and the darkness started to fracture. Just as quickly as it had arrived, the monster was gone. It faded back into the walls, draining away from the apartment until the pressure was gone and Yuuri was left gasping for breath.

“Name’s not Steven,” Yuuri said more clearly than he had been able to speak for nearly an hour.

“That’s not what your fake ID said,” Phichit teased him. “Seriously, Yuuri…it’s good to hear you laugh. I know that I can’t be there right now – even if I left right this minute, it would still take me _hours_ to get to Russia, so I’m going to need you to let Viktor help you. Can you do that?”

“Yes,” Yuuri answered.

“Good. I’ll check back in later, okay? Be brave, Yuuri.”

 _Be brave._ But it wasn’t the monster that echoed those words in Yuuri’s mind – it was his own voice, and it was slowly becoming more convincing than the sickly-sweet voice of the monster.

[Panic Room]

Fighting a monster only you can hear, only you can feel, but not even you can see…it takes bravery and courage.

Yuuri was brave.

Yuuri was brave, and he was determined to make other people see what lived in the crevices of his mind, looming in the shadows, hungry and biding its time for its next feast. He asked Viktor to help him beat the monster the only way he knew how: through skating.

Together, they choreographed Yuuri’s exhibition program for the upcoming season, and the first time he performed it, the whole arena went silent.

The program started in darkness with just one single spotlight shining against the boards. Yuuri, up close to the source of the light, created the most grotesque of shadow puppets: he showed everyone the monster, how it was blocking out his light until he was entirely snuffed out.

And then he skated: he moved slowly at first, all his movements jerky and tight, each step a single jolt to transition to a new element until the middle of the music arrived. Then, he dropped to his knees, sliding across the ice to a center spotlight.

He looked to the sky, his head tilting upwards with eyes closed, pleading for help. And then he wasn’t just skating; he was _fighting_. Spinning, jumping, toe stepping from one side of the rink to the other as he chased the monster out from what was his: his mind, his rink, his _life_.

And then, finally, just as abruptly as the fight had begun, it was over. He was left in the middle of the ice, arms spread wide above his head as four spotlights beamed down on him.

Yuuri had won. Maybe it was only the battle he had won and not the ongoing war, but every successful battle made the monster shrink a little more. It wasn’t in charge anymore; Yuuri was – and he was ready to take control.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
